


3fic

by ScreechingPotatoFics



Series: Time to Die, I Guess With Li [3]
Category: Original Work, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Arson, Crack, F/M, Mary Sue, Mentions of assless chaps, References to My Immortal, kool-aid man - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 06:43:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19079626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScreechingPotatoFics/pseuds/ScreechingPotatoFics
Summary: A love story between our main characters Johnny Suppers (played by John Cena) and Sharon B. Baggins (played by Sharon B. Baggins)





	3fic

Sharon B. Baggins flipped her rainbow hair over her perfectly-sculpted forehead as she sat down to create an analysis for an upcoming photography project. The room was silent save for the click of keyboard keys until It happened.  
Johnny Suppers dressed in all his finery (meaning a Kool-Aid Man cosplay picked up from the dumpster behind Goodwill) crashed up through the linoleum as if he’d just sprang up from a trampoline in the basement (which he’d lovingly placed moments earlier). For a moment he waited for the class to acknowledge his presence. Then he spoke in a menacing voice deep enough to startle kinder-daycare institutions filled with children:  
“GIMME ALL YOUR LUNCH MONEY!”  
The room was silent once more, save for that one kid pissing his pants in the background because it’s Johnny Suppers and Johnny Suppers wants his lunch money.  
“Why?” Sharon B. Baggins asked, her feces-brown eyes lighting up in wonder.  
Johnny Suppers took a menacing step up to her.  
“BECAUSE I NEED TO REPAIR MY EASY-BAKE OVEN™ TO MAKE EDIBLE METH!”  
Sharon B. Baggins tilted her head up at him, icy blue eyes like limpid tears.  
Her innocence disarmed him, her siren-like beauty calling to him. This was because she was secretly a mermaid princess whore. You see, the mermaid princess whores are a magical subset of beings that shop at Trader Joe’s and eat wild berries off of bushes and don’t care about the consequences of their actions because they’re goddamn mermaids. Also this is why she had color-changing eyes. Yeehaw!   
“Make pasta, not war,” she responded, pulling her totally-average rainbow hair into a messy bun at the top of her head (A1N: Ew.). She then proceeded to stare at the tall figure in the middle of the classroom.  
Johnny Suppers was at least 7’9ft. Sharon B. Baggins had many thoughts flowing through her head, even the thought about how big Johnny Suppers dick is considering this man is a very large man.   
Upon Sharon thinking about such a thought, Johnny averted his attention towards this mermaid princess whore and asked the following, “WHY WERE YOU LOOKING AT MY PANTS?!”  
They were a thing to behold: sparkly, sequined, and assless, also somehow furry in certain places. Although the furry places are very scattered along the seam of the pants, they are also on the bell-bottom hem.   
“I wanted to… know how much they cost,” she lied, still ogling a specific part of his pants.   
“THEY WERE CUSTOM MADE, EXACTLY 30,000 NT!” he yodeled, practically echoing across the room. (Johnny Suppers only spoke in yodeling and nothing more.)  
Mermaid Princess Whore SHaron Bilbdo Baggins was taken aback by his honest and timely answer. “Wow, that’s coolio, yo. My guy. My dude. Broski.”   
She had been decimated into an awkward shell of her former self.  
“Can I touch them?”  
With his nod of approval, she put her hand on the pants. But it was too hot. SO HOT, that the entire school bursted into flames. Everyone died.The end.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry you had to see this. -- Screeching Potato Fics


End file.
